hi all,
wrote this on thursday nite, but didnt get to post it coz was rushing for assignments. anyway now, pls enjoy a piece of my writing.


Hello and good day to all readers here. Tonite we are having a special edition of interview with the owner of this blog, andrew, and talks about his breakup with his gf and to know more of what andrew is having in his mind right now. Today's interview shall be titled, "The Journey Within : A Monologue". So without further ado, let's start the programme. Over here by my side is our guest for tonite, andrew. good evening andrew, how are you?

erm... do u mean how i feel now or do u mean how i feel for the past few days? if now, well, i'm calm, i'm relaxed... no suicidal thought in my mind, god forbid, hahaha.... basically i'm looking forward to getting back to enjoy doing things i used to enjoy very much. but if u are asking overall, well, it's kinda crazy, one moment i'm perfectly fine but in the next, i'd be feeling so down and wanted to just scream. anyway it's getting better now, not so frequent mood changes and i'm handling the down side quite well... it's manageable... thanks for asking.


so do u mind telling us briefly how was the times when u and ur ex were together like?

no, not at all... in fact i'm glad u asked. basically we met in June last year (2004) when we both worked together on the Orientation programme, but our feelings only bloomed after a nite's trip to the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra. it was wonderful that nite, she wore a very nice perfume, and i'm hooked! she looked so happy, smiling away and gosh, i melts when i see a girl with happy face, especially if she's happy bcoz i made her to be! i also discovered that she has interests in the same songs as mine! well, one thing leads to another and we had become together. boy, she was really into me, and i found myself loving her more as the day passes. went thru good and bad times, sweet hours and arguments, etc etc with her and after a while i know i cant let her go. i wanted to be her only man and she as my only girl. things seems so beautiful then. so to sum it up, it was one of the few meaningful and sweet chapters in my life.


care to tell us the bad times both of u went thru?

bad times? nah, i forgot all the bad times we had prior to 2005, save for one, u cant say it's bad, because it really strengthened my affection for her. that is when we went thru a dilemma together, and i cared for her like a husband should... other than that, all i remember is some little arguments when we already are in sg long. but none of it quite prepared me for the big thing that happened weeks after that.


andrew, u have been troubling urself over stuffs that wouldnt have troubled u at all one year ago.... why r u doing this?

i feel so down, i have just lost my girl... a girl whom i loves so deeply, to whom i gave my everything, but now she just go, gone, away from me... no matter wat i do, i cant seem to be able to get her back to my side... her heart already changed... so short, just in 3 weeks and now she belonged to someone else, she gave herself to someone else... i still cant forget the good times we had together... why does she do that to me? is it that my love is not enuf for her? wat is so wrong with me? in the past, she wouldn't have minded about our religion... she said that i'm the only one for her, and she wanted no one else. that's the last word of love from her 4 weeks ago... where have i gone wrong? questions and many more questions which will never be answered. so there's nothing else i can do but to just accept the fact.


r u sure it's her u love? who knows if there's another girl waiting somewhere out there for u to come and sweep her off her feet?

yes i am, after all these times, even though just for half a year, but i've been with her through ups and downs, laughs and arguments, and everday happenings had strengthened and affirmed my love for her...whatever i've been doing all this while is all out of my love for her, but now i guess she doesnt need my love anymore... i am so tired now... previously i never felt tired when i was with her, but now i do... i am so worn out... i'm exhausted... other girls? never given much thought to them anyway, all i have in my mind then was my ex's happiness and loveliness... if u r talking about now... i dont think so as well... i'm just too tired to accept a new girl into my life.


i recalled that some time ago, early in your relationship, u wanted to part ways with her asap? do u still remember wat was the reason?

i cant remember much but i guess i'll try... first, she's not exactly the prettiest girl around... and there were many pretty girl around me that seems to be available if i make a move. but then anyway, a girl's looks does not matter much to me. i dont want my responsibility to her to be binding on me...2ndly she's not exactly a lady-like girl... she speaks loudly, without reservation, and not graceful enuf. this maybe bcoz i was influenced by ernhuei's character. some more she's a christian and i dont think my mom will approve me being with her eventhough i dont mind about religion at all, so i guess before things got really deep between us, i'd better end it.

however after that she really showed her devotion for me... i was moved and touched... never before had a girl willing to be dis much loving and devoted to me, when she asked that we extend till the end of the year, i agreed. i loved her as much as she had to me. although at times she may be demanding and i found myself in situation where i really appreciate if she's not there, but those times do pass and quickly, i found myself wanting her to be by my side once again.

now i think that all those reasons above does not seem significant at all... bcoz i have managed to changed her a little bit to a girl i love and spend my life with, my mom has softened her stand on religion of her prospective daughter-in-law, and becoz, i dont need to look at other girls when i already have her, i kinda enjoyed my responsibility for her. so even after the ending of year 2004, i found myself not being able to let her go just like dat... man, i'm truly in love with this girl!!!


now do u regret having hurt her? do u wish that u can turn back the clock and what would u have done?

yes, thats right... i couldnt agree more, now i'm wishing that she could forgive me and we can be back to wat we used to be again... turn back clock? aw... get a life... be realistic man... i made a mistake, nothing can undo it. i can only apologize and make it up to her, that is, if i'm given the chance. still, if we can turn back clock,there are many things i would've done, but then again, we cant turn back the time. thats a fact. so why bother ourselves with what-if questions? past is past, i can only look forward to the future.


wat about things she had done to u? she too, had hurt u, dont u think so?

yeah... about the fact that she lied to me, she had hugged and kissed another guy behind my back, i am really hurt... i dont know how to describe that feeling... it's a mixture of sad, cheated, anger, fury and sorry...but that was then, at the very moment of discovery... right after that, i found myself willing to forgive her, put everything behind and get back to being her love... it's just that she didnt want my forgiveness... she dont want me anymore, at all... all she wants is the other guy...


so wat do u think u'll do now?

on one hand, i really wanted her to be mine once again... if i'm given the chance, i'd be willing to do anything it takes to win her heart back... on the other hand... i know she wouldnt want me anymore bcoz, knowing her too well, she wants that guy ler... and that i should not be stagnant anymore. i should move on with life and forget the whole chapter of ever being with her. i have 2 choices here, 1. i should live my carefree days and enjoy being a single guy and continue flirting and fooling around, or 2. maybe i shud just get another girl who'll appreciate and treasure my love, time and everything else i can offer. but choice #2 is quite risky, as i'd never know whether that girl is the one i want. and then i might hurt this girl, should i found another who is better or if my ex wants to come back...


better? how would u define better?

i dont know... it's pretty much based on my feel, u know... i used to make EH as my benchmark to see if the girl is worthy of my effort, but now, after this experience with my ex, i realised it is not valid after all... with my ex, she has attracted me in ways different from other girls. i know that both of us have interests in songs, and both of us are comfortable in expressing our feelings thru songs sang by others, and sometimes the lyrics are eerily accurate in representing wat we both wanted to say... i guess after this i would include my ex's characteristics as benchmark when i judge other girls... english speaking, have same interest in songs, and understands me very well...


wouldnt that makes u even harder to find another girl who fits those criteria? are u desperate to be in a new relationship or wat?

nah... criterias are just guides, not a code that i must abide... in fact i dont even care much about my criterias when i accepted my ex... desperate to be in a new relationship? no, i dont think so, just that if my ex wants to be with me again, even though i doubt it, i'd be very happy to welcome her back... i dont think i can find a girl who's as much devoted and loving as she used to be... in fact i never met anyone like her for the first 22 years of my life! so wat makes u think i can find another one like her in the near future? i dont even think i'm ready for a new girl in my life just yet, not in this year, not anytime soon... my love for my ex are just to deep for me come back out of it anytime soon...


have u noticed any changes to urself, between pre-relationship u and the current u?

yeah... big changes... first is my weight and second, my waistline. hahaha... before, i used to think that i can live my single life without remorse. i dont care if i get married young or when i'm in my late 30s, i have always found something to occupy myself and there was no time left for relationships. after all, i have always thought, why would i want to tie myself down so quickly when i can still enjoy a few more years of freedom as a bachelor?

but that was then... after being with her, i realised that the voice inside of me is getting louder. my paternal instinct starts to stamp its mark onto me... "biological.. clock... running...." now, without her by my side, i feel so empty within. my hand feels too light for comfort when it used to have her hand to hold, and the bed feels empty and cold everynite... i missed her snores very much, missed waking up in the middle of the nite to silently look at her, kisses her forehead and her cheek and slowly whispers "i love u, honey dear" into her ears. i missed her hugs, i missed her kisses... well actually i still do wake up in the middle of the nite, every nite without fail actually, only to realise that she's not here by my side. and every time it happens, i got up and prayed, and went back to sleep again, knowing it will never come back again...

another thing that i realised is that i've changed is my increasing affinity towards religion. i used to be the anything goes type, but still holding fast to buddhism bcoz that's the religion i was born in. however today, after this relationship, thanks to her, i have this sudden urge to understand more about religion, to seek knowledge for equipping myself spiritually, to analyse and criticize, and to seek refuge in it... u can say that instead of my relationship, understanding religion has taken over the place now. i feel i'm much calmer now. everytime thoughts ran in my mind, i can control it and be at peace.


do you have anything to say for them? ur ex and her new guy?

well... there's nothing much i can say now... i hope that she will never regret whatever decision she made. deep inside, i dont want to see her sad, so i too pray that for once again my predictions of his characteristics is wrong. i want to see her happy in the future, no matter with who, and i'll pray to Lord that her prayers be answered always.


so any last words before we end this interview?

i guess not much.... anything that needs to be said has been said in this interview...i do hope we can be together again but it's just a hope, as i know she'll never want to come back to me again... in this meantime, i will live my life one step by one step, taking things as they were... i'll try looking for strength in prayers and religion... frankly this experience had opened my eyes and heart to deepen my understanding of religion... to seek, to understand and to pray more. i may have lost my love, but i may have found love in religion. to my other friends who is reading here, dont worry, i'm not gonna be a zealot or religious maniac, i'm not gonna talk religion with y'all. this is just a personal thing, just that i hope i can find peace and solace in it... i'm already starting to put this episode behind me, but i'm looking forward to a sequel in future, and perhaps a happy ending in coming. till the day the Director says so!


ok, so i guess this wraps up today's interview with andrew, "The Journey Within : A Monologue" . thank you for reading. we'll be back again should we find a need to interview him again. thank you andrew. thanks to all of u and have a good nite.