hi all,
after the friday nite incident... things happened the morning after, which i dont feel like going into details... it has already hurt me enuf, deep inside me.... later at nite i met up with R, talked to him about things honestly, and that i stil loves L no matter wat, but it's her parents' decision which'll determine from where all of us will be going... i talked to R also bcoz i promised her to.... eventhough i don feel like helping R get her, but i cant refuse a request from a girl i loved so much... call me stupid n foolish but i just cant help it...

truth is, today, i failed her parents' stage...he rparents are adamant in their decision over christianity... R betrayed my trust and used me as a shield to get back at her, which either way L will want him anyway... so basically this evening i knew both R n L r gonna meet up and talk things thru... i knew they'll patch up, much against my hope but sigh, i cant stop them anymore.... so around 5 something she called me and said that me n her are over. well... thats her decision... there's nothing more i can do... no hope at all... so i just told her that i understand. she hung up the phone on me before i even can finish saying goodbye and goodluck...

so that's all that had happened, a conclusion to a both, beautiful and wonderful chapter of my life, even though things had got pretty ugly towards the end. well... i've got no one else to blame but myself... had i not forced her over the 31st Dec/1st Jan incident, this will not have happened... but then now, no point regretting it.... she already left. time has been passing quite hard now, just a few hours already and i cant help being restless n hopeless... nothing i can do for now, coz i dont have any direction to go anymore... even though i do hope to spring out of this as soon as possible as there are many things waiting for me to be done, but i'll never move away from today. as i had told her, i've stopped at this junction. eventhough she said she's going straight ahead, but the fact is i knew she took the left hand turn to R, while i'm still sitting, waiting at the road that is turning right. i dont know for how long i'll be sitting there, maybe for ever... i dont know....

If a girl cries in front of you, it means that she couldnt take it anymore.If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life; If you let her go, she couldnt go back to being herself anymore.A girl wont cry easily, Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak. A girl wont cry easily, only when she love you the most, she put down her ego. Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please hold her hands firmly,she's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life. Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please dont give her up,maybe bcoz of your decision, you ruin her life. When she cry rite infront of you, When she cry bcoz of you, Look into her eyes, Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling? Think. Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity, In front of you, And bcoz of you? She cry not because she is weak, She cry not bcoz she wan sympathy or pity, She cry, Because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt n agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside. Guys, Think about it, If a girl cry her heart out 2 you, And all because of you, Its time to look back on wat u have done, Only you will know the answer to it. Do consider it, Coz one day, It may be too late for regrets, It may be too late to say "im sorry". To my friends... Ponder this message seriously. Dont do dis to a girl, You may regret for the rest of your life. Maybe in your life, she's the onli one that love YOU the most. Remember this lesson.

she miscalled me just now... i called her back... talked until i ran out of credit again. why am i doing this? i guessi dont have the feeling of bitterness anymore, i'm just neutral... i'm not too happy the way things turn out not as i expected, nor i'm sad of what had happened. the truth is that she wants him more than she wants me. fine... i gues i'll just do wat i can to help her...

some of u might will ask, "why are u doing this? u'll just be a stupid fool to be doing that! after what she had done to u!" heh... i'm not the type of person who can simpan dendam... i chose to finish it peacefully, not thru fistfights or screaming... so i guess i've blown some dirt out, well at least i should clean it back... "cleaning up"...

i'd have hoped to patch things up with her and see wat i can do from there, but i guess not anytime soon... she wants him more than me... so i'll just let things cool down first... by the way i dont feel like telling wat all of us had talked about, it's not quite right for everyone to know. but i'll be back o update u ppl should the need arise. goodnite.

hi all... i'm back.. from pj that is, well u should know that i went there to fetch her up... for supper and later back to my room for the nite... well, she cancelled our dinner just to be with R. and she said to meet her at 11.

i went there early... i dunno why, maybe it's just god's will... i sensed something terribly wrong. i refused to believe it but my gut feelings has always been right in guiding me. so wat the heck... called her up while i saw her room are darkened, she said she's in the room, and i wondered "in the room and why it's dark?" told her to come down as i'm here, but she said give her some time to clean up... clean wat up? in a darkened room? i suspected he's there so wat the heck, i told the guard that i need to make sure someone's alrite so to check the guest list. truly R's name is signed in. then persuaded the guard to accompany me upstairs... knocked on the door... she opened up and i pushed thru. well he's there, i knew wat they were doing... finally i got to tangkap basah!!!

so everything is blown out this nite...they refuse to admit to me that has been happening, but aww... c'mon... they gotta do better than that! wats with the overturned t shirt on him? and some more it's her shirt! that shirt is put on in haste.... haha!!! cover blown!!! well... felt like bashing both of them up... but then no, i'm not this kind of beast, although some other guys might would say i'm a fool not to have done that. ah... forget that... i'm happy to know the truth, more than anything else! no matter how i found it out. frankly i dont feel like crying... no point crying over spilled milk.

so basically i kept my cool & composure and made sure i talk things thru. R was so uncomfortable... i'm so pissed and angry but i knew i need to think straight in order to make this an honest talk. but to my disappointment, she didnt even bother to say sorry, let alone explaining.... fine... told her it's over between me n her, wished her happiness and luck with her newfound love, i'll just go on being the spurned lover. lol...

so i guess i just have to close this chapter of my life and move on... all my tears are just wasted down the drain, but it's the past now. she said " like i didnt cry at all!" well frankly, i did thought she cried for me or for us... but now, i dont even know if it's genuine or just to pacify me... so i've decided... from this morning onwards, a new chapter of my life has begun... funny, just a few hours ago i was so down... thinking about this, but now i guess the dark cloud has gone now... i'll live my life back as the happy andrew as i had been once, before, not as the weeping andrew i thought i'd be if i lost her.... godbye half year! i'm back, my future!

last nite... or should i say this morning, i rode as fast as i could, straight to PJ right after the 2nd post without giving any 2nd thought... all i know is that, "no.... i'm not gonna go down without a fight!" she said she loves me... i know that... and i never asked her to prove that, like wat R did.

but i guess.... resistance is fultile then.... no matter what i do or what i say, will never change the fact that she had already expected to dump me...

she said she's gonna be honest and not hide things from me.... yeah sure.... no concealment eh? she didnt even tell me that she let R hold her hands.... only when i asked her whether she did so she admitted.... guys, i guess u can imagine how terrible it is to know ur gf is paying nick nack behind u... yeah... bcoz she needs to obey her parents to only date and marry a christian guy... not bcoz she can choose who to love and live the rest of her life with...

last nite i made up my mind.... if the reason she goes to R is because i'm not a christian and her parents is against it, this is my decision: i'll face her parents. and i'll promise that i will be the christian they want, after i fulfil my responsibility to my parents. i'll tell them as much things that i told L, with hope they'll see that i'm dead serious about it.

thats my final straw of defense... if it still crumbles... then i guess i have lost the war then... i should start packing my bags and leave without a whimper or whine... leave... eventhough i know she will be suffering in silence, there's nothing more i can do... she chose to listen to her parents... not to her conscience...

i called her just now...
after her promise of keeping me updated of her whereabouts is not honoured. she went back her room, but she didnt let me know... as she had promised... only after i miss called & smsed her voicing my disappointment only her sms saying she's in her room came thru.

wat has i feared would happen has happened....it's confirmed.... she had a change of heart... while she was with me, she told me how she hated his attitudes.... but now wat she is telling me is totally different... a complete change.... i knew that if she goes out with him this afternoon, he'd be able to sweet talk her to accept him.... it happened.

this afternoon she said that she still loves me very much and will continue to be with me... asking my "permission" to go out n see him when R called, asking to meet her to talk things through... i knew this would happen but she promised me that they're meeting just as friends, she'll explain to him... now all that are just words to pacify me... they had met up & R asked her to be his GF, although L didnt answer that, but in the end they talked things thru, they reach a compromise, and guess what??? He's gonna MEET her P-A-R-E-N-T-S next month to seek approval!!!

I AM SO FREAKING MAD!!!! I AM SO FREAKING FURIOUS!!!!!! I FEEL SO BETRAYED!!! I FEEL SO CHEATED!!!!

although L kept on "REASSURING" me that it all depends on her parents decision, that if her parents rejects R, she'll stay on with me, but also said that i should be prepared for the worst!!! i valued some of her honesty about this, but nonetheless i still cant accept the fact that this is happening!!!

pls... tell me what to do... i've never felt such helplessness before, i've never felt such hopelessness before... i've never cried for a girl but for her i did!!! my head is thinking all the things i know i shouldnt be thinking.... pls... anybody... my friends... if u r reading this blog, pls take some time and call me, tell me what should i do??? pls.... help... me....

hi all,
as all of u who r reading my blog knows, i have been quite irregular in posting here... and that i will only post when something really significant moves me to write. and for a few of my friends who have been in contact with me, u'll sure know that i already have a gf, yes, she's the girl L i have mentioned before in the past few postings... and if u have not forgotten that eventhough things has been going on great between me and her, we still cant take away the issue of religion from our lives... that her parents will only allow her to date and marry a christian guy. this is the only issue bugging us all this while yet in everything else, things has been wonderful for the past half year...although there are some incidents which i dont feel like mentioning in this blog...

"so what's so big with the religion difference? as long as both of u loved each other,nothing will get in the way!" a friend of mine advised... however yes, it shall be true, if we lives in a perfect world. in reality, she wanted to be filial and obeying to her parents as much as i am to my parents. and last week all of a sudden she told me that she's seeing a christian guy, let call him R. for the past one week, i have been going thru hell.... one moment i felt sorry and pity for myself that i cant be the one for her, that i should let her go to someone who can fulfil her and her parents' expectation... on the other hand i cant let her go... not to someone who i know will hurt her one day....i loves her so much, i cant bear to see the day comes... i dont know how and why but i had a bad feeling for this guy, and i managed to predict his every move or things he's gonna say to her. i have told her my 2cents worth of wat i have thought of him, and i kept a neutral view as to not being biased and deny her right to choose fairly. call me stupid, call me paranoid or call me desperate, i'm not letting her go, at least not to a guy like him...

i cant find any other words that i can describe what i've been thru this whole week.... one moment i am full in spirit being with her, i'd do anything so as long to keep her out of R's reach... one moment next, i felt like a total loser... i'm so down i cant even think straight... i'm so lost.... i have tried so hard to win her heart back... i've done everything i could, except meeting R up and bash him senseless... no i'm not doing that nor i intend to... i'm not an unreasonable beast, all i can do now is to compete fairly like a modern thinking man should.

i've talked to her about this... many talks and some arguments... stil, i cant do anything should she choose the other guy over me. the fact that she has a liking for R has already told me that i have lost half the battle even before the war starts... if not because of hickups on R's side(his attitude problem), i guess i've already lost the war without even knowing there is one...
i'm supposed to be going down to pj to see her just now, even have dinner and i planned to go pasar malam with her tonite. she promised me that we would. and i know that she'd be seeing R in the afternoon right before me. half an hour before i'm about to meet her, she called me and cancelled our meet. should i say anything more? i guess anyone of u would know wat this means... as i'm writing this down, my heart feels like it has been hit by a warhammer... shattered to dusts.... eventhough i must tell u the fact that she'd still be seeing me tomorrow... but i am terrified... that she might will also cancel tomorrow's meet...

even though she had kept telling me to have faith in her, i cant steer my thought away from thinking about this again and again. she said she havent made her decision yet (thanks to R's constant bugging) and will only make her decision next week, i dont have confidence that she'd come back to me... my mind is so blurred now, i dont even know what i'm having in my mind now.... i dreaded next week... i'm so lost, confused and i cant do anything.... and to remind myself that i have 2 assignments due next week... of which i havent even start working on.... i cant concentrate on doing it.... fikiranku bercelaru...